Bert Sperling Bert Sperling Bert Sperling Spert Berling

Performer(s): Bert Sperling

Album: Bert Sperling

Their description: Catchy indie roots-rock featuring a voice that drips with honey-sweet realness.

My review: Bert Sperling's got your honey-sweet realness right here, now with Gothic Font previously only available on car windshields of 2 Fast 2 Furious fans!

If you have always wondered what the love child of Conan O'Brien and Jon Voight would look and sound like, then Bert Sperling's your man. With the fashion sense of Mr. T, and the lack of self-awareness of everyone who has ever been on The Bachelor, Bert Sperling's sweet, sweet (honey-sweet, even) sound will have you begging for more.

Luckily, this CD has 22 fricking songs to choose from. Bert Sperling ain't no pansy-ass 10-track CD-makin' kind of man.

Greatest hits:

• Love Don't Live on Love Alone (it needs pompadours and chains too)
  
• 503 Kroozin' (local shout-out! Holla!)
  
• Beverly Hills Bert (Sperling. Bert Sperling, he of the honey-sweet tones)
  

Recommended if you like Frank Sinatra, Louis Armstrong, and anal intercourse.

Performer(s): Dr. Butt

Album: (what else?) The Wonderful World of Dr. Butt

Their description: Big Band (really, Doctor? That's all you have to say about yourself?)

My review: Sometimes I feel like maintaining this blog is a chore (see the past week with no updates--sorry, Gentle Reader), and other times I get a gift from heaven, this time in the form of Dr. Butt. And his backup dancers. HA! "Back"up dancers! "Let's hope the doctor is OUT!" I could go on for days.

But instead, I will offer up a challenge. The first person to attend a Dr. Butt concert/performance, and in a loud and clear voice that can be heard by God and everybody, request the Irving Berlin classic "Dancing Cheek to Cheek" wins one (1) American dollar and my undying respect.

Jesus. This might have to be a two-parter. I can't even fathom the greatness.

Greatest hits:

• Sun in the Morning (and, one can only assume, a moon at night)
  
• Don't Get Around (to your vagina) Much Anymore
  
• You Made Me Love You (in the butt) (sorry, I told you I couldn't resist)

Influencees:

These Guys 
This Guy

Isn't "Legendary Canadian" an oxymoron?

Performer(s): Martha and the Muffins

Album: Delicate

Their description: Legendary Canadian alternative pioneers return with a highly textured set-piece of twelve new songs that range from gorgeously evocative to near chaos. Fans and newcomers alike will not be disappointed.

My review: Martha's less attractive best friend from high school is a self-described photographer who thought it would be deep and interesting to take a picture of someone taking a picture. How meta. Throw in a darkened basement and a too-skinny dirty-looking white girl, you've got less "gorgeously evocative" and more "Vice Magazine's Don't section."

Greatest hits: (too true edition)

• Mess
  
• All I Know
  
• Don't Say Anything
  

Death, Thy Name is...What, Exactly?

Performer(s): Gurf Morlix (is this an anagram of something? "Mix our flurg"?)

Album: Cut 'n' Shoot ('n' Put the Lotion in the Basket 'n' Stitch Pieces of Skin Together 'n' Wear as a Suit)

Their description: Noted Americana producer tackles classic country styles on his third solo release. Reminiscent of artists like Lucinda Williams, Robert Earl Keen and Slaid Cleaves, Morlix pulls through with an ease and comfort that gives these songs character.

My review: Third solo release? Really? Can't find anyone to collaborate with? I'm shocked. No one wants a tractor ride across the River Styx with something called Gurf Morlix? I am glad his hat is shading his face, because I feel if you look the Morlix directly in the eyes, a piece of your soul vanishes. Same thing if you listen to one of its songs. Don't do it. Trust me.

Greatest hits:

• Yesterday She Didn't (please do not finish that sentence.)
  
• Were You Lyin' Down? (that's a question for the CSIs to answer, don't you think?)
  
• They're Hangin' Me Tonight (but hanging won't kill a Morlix. Nothing kills a Morlix.)

 Bonus Track: 

• Your Sister (ugggggggghhhhhh...)

E.A.S.E. O.N. D.O.W.N.

Performer(s): D.A.D.

Album: C.R.I.T.T.E.R.S.

Their description: A blend of neo- soul, hip hop, jazz, and rap. All original material.

My review: W.H.A.T. A. T.E.R.R.I.B.L.E. C.D. A. B.L.U.R.R.Y. P.H.O.T.O. O.F. Y.O.U.R.S.E.L.F. O.N. T.H.E. S.E.T. O.F. T.H.E. W.I.Z. I.S. N.O.T. A.N. A.L.B.U.M. C.O.V.E.R.

Greatest hits:

• Chicken Head (Instrumental)
  
• Mo Flo
  
• Skunk Funk In Tha Trunk