Land Lubber

Performer: Rik Barron

Album: Right to the Bone

Their description: Excellent, contemporary maritime folk featuring songs of some of the areas best writers.

My review: And nothing says "contemporary maritime folk" like a picture of a man in a wool winter coat standing in the middle of a snow-covered, land-locked meadow. Also not maritime, having two hands and two eyes. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume one of those legs is a peg.

Greatest hits:

• Spring on the Island (basically the exact opposite of what we're seeing here)
• Lighthouse Keeper's Dream (is apparently to move to Nebraska in December)
• Pirate's Trade (a billowy linen shirt for an overcoat and a curved sword for a guitar case)

If you're lost you can look and you will find him...

Performer: Time

Album: Time

Their description: Bringing a modern sound fused with classic rock roots at points very experimental. Enjoy a journey of lost loves, great hooks, driving beats, inspiring lead guitars and some tunes that will make you want to dance.

My review: It's good to see Otho keeping himself busy.

Greatest hits:

• Simple Screams (the first thing Time hears when he gets up in the morning)
• Future Tomorrows (deep, Time. DEEP.)
• Masochistic Clown (this is too easy sometimes)

Bonus track:

• Not a track, per se, but please note that Time's real name is Tom Coffin. I am afraid.

Norway to go!

Performer: Krogsrud & Teisberg

Album: Archie Marvellous

Their description: Beautiful, beautiful songs from a magnificent Norwegian band. The album is packed with melodic pop music, guaranteed to grow on you. Fresh, magical tunes, following the steps of Beatles, Waterboys, Talk Talk, U2, Coldplay, Pink Floyd, R.E.M and maybe A-ha

My review: I'm inclined to believe everything they say. Judging from their cover, Norway is the place to be. Imagine what it must feel like to be young Teisberg there: standing at the edge of the Barents Sea, your cool-as-a-lutefisk posture betraying your absolute confidence that the beautiful maiden Krogsrud has indeed stopped to take a second remorseful glance back before rushing back to her homestead before night falls. She'll be back, Teisberg...she'll be back...

Plus, Archie Marvellous is a great nickname for my penis.

Greatest hits:

• Feel So Fine (damn right, Teisberg. Damn right.)
• Right Between Mistakes (ahhhhhhhh young love.)
• To the Little Man (this one's for you, Archie!)

Tuck Like an Egyptian

Performer: Cleopatra

Album: Boy U Say? English/French Remixes

Their description: cleopatra new release is call boy u say it is about a girl who is got a crush on a boy and she is letting him know how she realy feels, but he is playing games on her and she is serious . so she asking him,why is he saying so but .....................

My review: That is a boy, I say. Tons of make-up. Big chunky jewelry to cleverly distract from the man-hands. Something tells me we'll be seeing "Cleopatra" on Season 8 of RuPaul's Drag Race.

Greatest hits:

• boy u say-english dance hall brass remix
• boy u say-french chr/top 40/sports anthem smash breaker radio edit
• boy u say-english dj whats up progressive house radio edit (which is your favorite?)

Suppressing my inner band nerd.

Performer: Charles Compo

Album: Mind Frame

Their description: The perfect mix of cool jazz and edgy grooves. Features some great flute, sax, trumpet and bone solos as well as interesting arrangements and solid rhythm section throughout.

My review: If I were a grown man who played the flute, I'd want the picture to be blurry and off-center too. This cover looks like he is robbing a bank, threatening to play if they don't hand over the cash. Pony up for a professional photographer next time, Chuck...

Greatest hits:

• Dark White (no such thing)
• Cool Jazz (no such thing)
• The Last Good Kiss (was your last kiss also your first kiss, Charles? I would not be surprised.)