GDBaby

Land Lubber

2011-05-11T15:42:00.000-07:00

Performer: Rik Barron

Album: Right to the Bone

Their description: Excellent, contemporary maritime folk featuring songs of some of the areas best writers.

My review: And nothing says "contemporary maritime folk" like a picture of a man in a wool winter coat standing in the middle of a snow-covered, land-locked meadow. Also not maritime, having two hands and two eyes. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume one of those legs is a peg.

Greatest hits:

Spring on the Island (basically the exact opposite of what we're seeing here)
Lighthouse Keeper's Dream (is apparently to move to Nebraska in December)
Pirate's Trade (a billowy linen shirt for an overcoat and a curved sword for a guitar case)

If you're lost you can look and you will find him...

2011-05-04T11:29:00.000-07:00

Performer: Time

Album: Time

Their description: Bringing a modern sound fused with classic rock roots at points very experimental. Enjoy a journey of lost loves, great hooks, driving beats, inspiring lead guitars and some tunes that will make you want to dance.

My review: It's good to see Otho keeping himself busy.

Greatest hits:

Simple Screams (the first thing Time hears when he gets up in the morning)
Future Tomorrows (deep, Time. DEEP.)
Masochistic Clown (this is too easy sometimes)

Bonus track:

Not a track, per se, but please note that Time's real name is Tom Coffin. I am afraid.

Norway to go!

2011-04-27T13:11:00.000-07:00

Performer: Krogsrud & Teisberg

Album: Archie Marvellous

Their description: Beautiful, beautiful songs from a magnificent Norwegian band. The album is packed with melodic pop music, guaranteed to grow on you. Fresh, magical tunes, following the steps of Beatles, Waterboys, Talk Talk, U2, Coldplay, Pink Floyd, R.E.M and maybe A-ha

My review: I'm inclined to believe everything they say. Judging from their cover, Norway is the place to be. Imagine what it must feel like to be young Teisberg there: standing at the edge of the Barents Sea, your cool-as-a-lutefisk posture betraying your absolute confidence that the beautiful maiden Krogsrud has indeed stopped to take a second remorseful glance back before rushing back to her homestead before night falls. She'll be back, Teisberg...she'll be back...

Plus, Archie Marvellous is a great nickname for my penis.

Greatest hits:

Feel So Fine (damn right, Teisberg. Damn right.)
Right Between Mistakes (ahhhhhhhh young love.)
To the Little Man (this one's for you, Archie!)

Tuck Like an Egyptian

2011-04-20T14:04:00.000-07:00

Performer: Cleopatra

Album: Boy U Say? English/French Remixes

Their description: cleopatra new release is call boy u say it is about a girl who is got a crush on a boy and she is letting him know how she realy feels, but he is playing games on her and she is serious . so she asking him,why is he saying so but .....................

My review: That is a boy, I say. Tons of make-up. Big chunky jewelry to cleverly distract from the man-hands. Something tells me we'll be seeing "Cleopatra" on Season 8 of RuPaul's Drag Race.

Greatest hits:

boy u say-english dance hall brass remix
boy u say-french chr/top 40/sports anthem smash breaker radio edit
boy u say-english dj whats up progressive house radio edit (which is your favorite?)

Suppressing my inner band nerd.

2010-09-23T08:54:00.000-07:00

Performer: Charles Compo

Album: Mind Frame

Their description: The perfect mix of cool jazz and edgy grooves. Features some great flute, sax, trumpet and bone solos as well as interesting arrangements and solid rhythm section throughout.

My review: If I were a grown man who played the flute, I'd want the picture to be blurry and off-center too. This cover looks like he is robbing a bank, threatening to play if they don't hand over the cash. Pony up for a professional photographer next time, Chuck...

Greatest hits:

Dark White (no such thing)
Cool Jazz (no such thing)
The Last Good Kiss (was your last kiss also your first kiss, Charles? I would not be surprised.)

All About Me, you say?

2010-09-15T10:43:00.000-07:00

Performer: Rod Kim

Album: All About You

Their description: Self-Deprecating Romantic Pop-Rock

My review: I think I just found the coolest person on the Internet. He just redeemed Asian musicians from that whole "William Hung" thing.

Greatest hits:

Tomorrow She's Mine (she will be yours any day of the week, Rod)
Carped My Diem (Prelude in C Minor) (NERD! I LOVE IT!)
Awkward Goodbye (and Hello. And good morning. And please and thank you. And I'm guessing just about every human interaction you have.)

Parsley, sage, rosemary, and lame

2010-09-09T10:51:00.000-07:00

Performer: Ryan Zivon

Album: Desire

Their description: A sultry, powerful voice over melodic rock. Music filled with great movement and emotion.

My review: Are you tired of your corset made of belts riding up, pinching, or just not fitting well? Is it cutting off circulation to the upper half of your body, giving you the pasty complexion of a Twilight? Call 1-800-YOU-CANNOT-CHEAP-OUT-ON-THE-REN-FAIRRE-LOOK today!

Greatest hits:

Burning
Desire (to take this ridiculous shit off)
My Isolation (is in direct correlation with the ridiculous shit I wear)

A doctor, a redneck, and 25 babies walk into a bar...

2010-08-24T10:53:00.000-07:00

Performer: SiDS

Album: Fight to Survive

Their description: Punk/Rock storytellings and warning of zombies, monsters, and sluts.

My review: I'm pretty sure this is Fred Phelps Jr.'s band. No one but the Westboro Baptist Church could be this inexplicable, offensive, and moronic all at once.

Greatest hits:

ManBeast
Makeout Slut
Baby in a Hellstorm

Don't Cry For Me, Wingentina

2010-08-13T14:25:00.000-07:00

Performer: Wing

Album: Wing Sings All Your Favorites

Their description: Wing sings many favorites and makes them her own.

My review: Wow, I can't believe it's over already. Thank you, Wing, for making Wing Week what it is today. Weird, uncomfortable, a little sad, and unbearable to listen to.

Greatest hits:

Think of Me (we will, Wing. We will.)
All I Ask of You (is that you keep on recording. Wing Week 2011 is right around the corner.)
Tie: Shueng Hoi Tau and God Defend New Zealand (she really did get ALL the favorites, didn't she?)

Why do birds...suddenly appear...everytime...Wing is near?

2010-08-11T15:17:00.000-07:00

Performer: Wing

Album: Wing Sings the Carpenters

Their description: Wing sings many musical theater favorites and makes them her own.

My review: Um, I think that description applies to another Wing album (stay tuned), but now that she mentions it, how good would a Carpenters musical be? Can we get Susan Stroman on the horn?

Greatest hits:

We've Only Just Begun (to wrap up Wing Week)
Rainy Days and Mondays (Wing is the opposite of both)
Ave Maria (The Carpenters wrote this?)

Merry Wingmas: Wing Week Pt. III

2010-08-09T10:21:00.000-07:00

Performer: Wing

Album: Everyone Sings Carols with Wing

Their description: Wing sings carols to warm your heart this Christmas holiday.

My review: Ho Ho Horrifying! Why is Wing threatening to karate chop us for Christmas? Rude!

Greatest hits:

Sheung Hai Tan II (Chinese Version) (darn. I was hoping for the English version of Sheung Hai Tan)
Vision of Love (isn't this a Mariah Carey song? Is she a holiday staple now?)
Joy to the World (that's all we ask for, Wing, and you keep delivering)

Wing Week Gets Violent

2010-08-06T10:41:00.000-07:00

Performer: Wing

Album: Beat It

Their description: A lyrical collection which includes the most songs most often requested by Wing's fans at her international performances during 2008.

My review: If you have been to one of these international performances during 2008, I need you to contact me at helpdesk@geedeebaby.com. It's like seeing Bigfoot or a space alien. I MUST have proof. Otherwise, I'll be spending my days molding to-scale Wings out of mashed potatoes, Dick Dreyfuss style.

Greatest hits:

The Power of Love (is nothing compared to my bat!)
Candle in the Wind (Marilyn or Diana? Who can answer these questions?)
The Rose (some say love, it is a river. I say it is a middle-aged Asian lady with unstoppable talent)

Bonus track:

My Heart Will Go On (just because that song is awesome)

Young and Sweet, only 70

2010-08-05T11:47:00.000-07:00

Performer: Wing

Album: Dancing Queen by Wing

Their description: Wing sings many favorites from Abba and makes them her own.

My review: To which Abba replies, "You may keep them, Wing. They are now eternally yours."

Greatest hits:

Mamma Mia (So Horny)
S.O.S.
I Have a Dream (and you will be infiltrating mine tonight, Wing. I guarantee it.)

Bonus track:

Fernando (just cuz that song is awesome)

And Jesus is the co-pilot

2010-07-26T11:44:00.004-07:00

Performer: Devil Riding Shotgun

Album: Devil Riding Shotgun

Their description: Heavy grooves. Catchy riffs.

My review: Rockabilly losers.

Greatest hits:

Who Am I? (see above)
Lost (good)
Fetish (should be more involved than rolling up your jeans and trimming your dyed-black bangs)

YouHaveGotToBeKidding

2010-07-08T12:14:00.000-07:00

Performer: Leah Smith

Album: Beautifully Made

Their description: So what do you get when you blend soul, pop, gospel, and folk music together? “SoGoPopFo Fusion.” What exactly is that you may ask? Well you have to listen to Leah's music to find out, because right now it’s a genre of music that is all her own.

My review: Heavy eyeshadow, a misplaced beauty mark, and "soft fingers" are the true signs of greatness. You can tell she means it because she sings with her eyes closed. Also, what is that green thing? Is she smashing a praying mantis between her palm and face? Is that an exfoliant thing?

Greatest hits:

DreamWorld (no shit)
By Land, By Sea (Intro) (good thing you saved the intro for Track 5)
Untitled Song (You have 6 songs. You couldn't come up with 6 song titles?)

It's kind of like Milo & Otis

2010-06-30T13:14:00.000-07:00

Performer: Lora Kay Alexander

Album: Roses in the Rain

Their description: A little bit country; a little bit Roses In The Rain... Mostly love songs from the heart and soul--to reach out and touch you with passion...

My review: Who ever said tigers and cougars can't get along?

Greatest hits:

Wearin' Daddy's Genes (but Mama's pantsuit)
Don't Lead Me On (cuz this cougar will pounce)
She Won't Come Close (thank God)

888 (Mark of the Puh-leeeze!)

2010-06-25T10:34:00.000-07:00

Performer: Dwayne Tryumf

Album: 777 (Mark of the Peace)

Their description: This album contains music that is not listened to but EXPERIENCED!

My review: I don't know about you, but a black guy barfing rainbows and wildlife all over me is not an EXPERIENCE that I care to have.

Greatest hits:

He's the King (feat. Crazy Ric) (thanks, Crazy Ric. I'm sure Jesus appreciates your hard work)
Jesus Is Alive (feat. Tony Momrelle) (and He is a HUGE Crazy Ric fan)
MC Hate Alot Part 2 (feat. Comedian Chris Williams) (WTF?)

The Abyss II: The Abyssining

2010-06-15T10:55:00.000-07:00

Performer(s): General X

Album: Emerge

Their description: A unique combination of Funk,Concious Hiphop,R&B, with a touch of Gospel

My review: You know, it was only a matter of time before Hollywood ran out of actual toys to make movies out of (G.I. Joe, Transformers, Hungry Hungry Hippos). Someone has obviously pitched a "modern, urban" update of the deepsea diver and treasure chest figures that you put in the bottom of your fish tank.

Watch your back, Jim Cameron. General X is coming for you!

Greatest Hits:

Emerge (don't)
Above Water (but not)
Somebody Gotta Do It (I respectfully disagree)

One R is all he needs.

2010-06-10T16:20:00.002-07:00

Performer(s): Joey Hendrickson

Album: Reckless Romances

Their description: Joey Hendrickson uses creative talent to encourage expression, fuel the life-long investigations of love, spark a deeper interest in the ironies of reckless relationships, and bring forth the healing properties of music to soothe it all.

My review: Nothing says "reckless" like looking wistfully out the window through your grandmother's lacy curtains, then turning away with a pinched look, as though the beauty of the world was just too painful to look at. Oh, and "reckless" is also a high-collared black Nehru jacket.

Greatest Hits:

Homemade Lemonade (Joey Hendrickson, you wild man!)
Sugar Tooth (look out ladies! Joey loves hard candies...)
Hush Hush (good advice, Joey. Hush.)

Spheniscidaeaphobia.

2010-06-01T13:42:00.000-07:00

Performer(s): Thomas Kushin

Album: Penguin Borealis

Their description: 2 alto sax improvisations, 2 ambient pieces

My review: Death March of the Penguins. That is some scary, bubonic-plague, bring-out-your-dead shit right there.

Greatest Hits:

Dry Gulch
Petrologist
Myelin Sheath (I don't like the sound of any of those things)

"Shiver me timbers" means "makes me vomit," right?

2010-05-18T14:23:00.000-07:00

Performer(s): The Piss Shivers

Album: Help! My Dog's a Skinhead!

Their description: Short, loud, fast and snotty! This album delivers 13 tracks in 20 minutes... you do the rock 'n roll math! (I've done the math, and 20 minutes is still too much of my life to spend listening to this music)

My review: Whew! Where to begin? Let's start with the band name. Urban Dictionary defines "piss shivers" as "the feeling experienced when a person (particularly male) urinates" or "when you get goose bumps when you need to pee."

Is this a thing? Is that real? Is it pleasurable? Do you want people associating your band with it? To me, "piss shivers" sounds like a stage of heroin withdrawal. Which, if memory serves, is not a fun process.

Second, the album title. This sounds like the soundtrack album to the direct-to-VHS sequel of Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot! Or maybe the theme of today's Tyra.

I hope the dog in this photo sues the band for slander, even if he is a skinhead. The KKK does have standards, after all.

Greatest Hits:

Peter Pan Music Syndrome (musician, heal thyself (and by that I mean give. it. up.))
Cabin Fever (the next stage of heroin withdrawal, immediately following the piss shivers)
Trash Can (too on the nose, fellas)

Bonus Track:

Neanderthal Hippie Chicks (maybe the only people worse than The Piss Shivers. Maybe.)

Is that mink?

2010-05-14T12:46:00.000-07:00

Performer(s): Andrea Benham

Album: My Life

Their description: This is My Life is a story about a girl who continues to work hard making her dreams come true no matter what people say about her. This is a fun upbeat and very catchy song with remixes by DJ Russ Harris, DJ Riddler, and DJ Mike Bordes.

My review: Hey, if My Life consisted of lying down on the floor wearing a rabbit-fur bikini top, I'd be singing about it too, no matter what people said about me.

Although, if My Life could be encapsulated by one song remixed four times, I might take a listen to what those people were saying.

Greatest Hits:

My Life
My Life
My Life

Will NOT be hit by a car riding his bike at night.

2010-05-10T10:00:00.000-07:00

Performer(s): Eric McKinney

Album: Watch Your Step!

Their description: This young artist mixes acoustic and hip hop, while maintaining fantastic melodies throughout each song. The music is filled with power, soul, and happiness, and is topped by lyrics that show great expression.

My review: This young artist is actually the result of Paula Abdul taking on the four straight members of Color Me Badd. His godfather is Vanilla Ice and his best friend is Steve Urkel. I shouldn't make fun, because "Watch Your Step!" is obviously in reference to him being visually-impaired.

Greatest Hits:

Believe It Or Not (I wore this on purpose)
Whats Wrong (what isn't?)
Pants On Fire (seriously? That is his song?)

This album was recorded in 1993. Seriously.

2010-05-03T11:12:00.000-07:00

Performer(s): Image 10

Album: Image 10

Their description: Light Commercial rock

My review: Music 3.

Greatest Hits:

Don't You Think Its Time (to get a real job?)
Hold On (you guys are how old?)
What You Wanna Be (wanna be is right)

MmmBop

2010-04-27T13:33:00.000-07:00

Performer(s): Cimino

Album: Cimino

Their description: Young band from Kansas City provides exciting rock music with signature guitar riffs and fresh, raw vocals.

My review: Is anyone else turned on by Dark Hanson? Just me?

Greatest hits:

Someday (let's hope so)
Too Late (let's hope not)
Waste My Time (it's not a waste of time. It's natural. You won't go blind doing it too much, that's just an old wives' tale)

Wherefore art thou so damn sexy?

2010-04-22T10:50:00.000-07:00

Performer(s): Sir Romeo Brown

Album: Beyond the Realm

Their description: Finally the new sound meets the old funk, with the tempting flavor of passion, and raw emotion!

My review: You know those love at first sight moments that they show in movies, where the rest of the world goes blurry around the one person, and they start making eyes at each other, and it's all romantic and sexy and exciting and arousing all at once? That's how everyone looks at Sir Romeo Brown. And he just looks back at you, thinking, "Yeah. I'd hit that." No matter who you are, Sir Romeo would indeed hit that.

Recommended if you like: Cameo, Prince, Rick Springfield (I do. Dammit, I do like those things.)

Greatest hits:

Welcome 2 the Realm (thank you, Sir)
Fantasy (go onnnnnn...)
Sex Crazed Mafia (Sir Romeo's other name for "the human race")

Wax on, whacks off.

2010-04-19T10:20:00.000-07:00

Performer(s): Daniel Son

Album: Sea World Music

Their description: Rap/Urban R&B From Los Angeles, Ca Underground King!!!

My review: A boxer on a surfboard being chased by Jaws and Free Willy? Doesn't get more "urban" or "underground" than that, Dan. I think I see a Giant Octopus tentacle back there also. I hope Megashark fired his/her agent, cuz this is the place where fictional marine life and "dope beats" meet. All aboard for fun!

Also from Daniel Son's page: Recommended if you like Daniel Son. (really? I never would have put that together on my own)

Greatest hits:

Good Life (feat. Allen Bundy) (it's good to know there is life after Married with Children)
Sun Goes Down (feat. James Sellers) (Radio Version) (whose radio, exactly?)
Let Me Hit That (my thoughts exactly)

This is no ordinary dove...nooo ordinary dove...

2010-04-15T11:41:00.000-07:00

Performer(s): Dove

Album: Introducing Dove

Their description: Edgy introduction to Dove with the soulful and jazzy sound of Heartbeat to the ethereal rapture of Shields and the sobering message of Slave Love.

My review: I'm sorry, whose album is this? Dove? I don't want to even know what is on the "bonus" DVD. "RuPaul's Drag Race" audition tape?

Greatest hits:

Heartbeat
Shields
Slave Love (there are only three tracks, so these will have to do)

It's a story, about a man named Bundy...

2010-04-13T10:22:00.000-07:00

Performer(s): Intuition

Album: Stories About Nothing

Their description: If Redman, Kurt Vonnegut, Al Bundy, and DJ Shadow made a record together while dusted.it would sound like this.

My review: Stories about nothing, from top left:

Son, you know I am ashamed of your music. Please don't take my picture.
I just wanted to bum a smoke, man.
No, I haven't seen the "very special" episode of Diff'rent Strokes. Why do you ask?
Fuck you, I'm just a horse. Don't pull me into your shitty concept album.
Was it good for you too? You weren't thinking about anyone else, were you?
You were thinking about me, weren't you?
Yes, I have seen the very special episode of Diff'rent Strokes. Several times. It's one of my favorites. By the way, I just moved into the neighborhood, and I'm required to introduce myself...

Greatest hits:

Pain and Pleasure (you're half right)
The Questions (oh there are many. Starting with "Why?" and "Who told you this was a good idea?")
Head in the Clouds (too easy)

Do the Hustle...

2010-04-08T12:06:00.000-07:00

Performer(s): Ray Sanders

Album: Ray Sanders Country

Their description: Real country for real country music lovers.

My review: God, I wish I lived in Ray Sanders country. The weather's always nice, the air is always fresh, the socks are high but the shorts are higher. Jimmy Carter is president, the BeeGees are at the top of the charts, Disco is king, Studio 54 is still open, and I'm -2 years old. Count me in, Ray Sanders Country!

Greatest hits:

It's Such a Pretty World Today (because today is July 12th, 1977)
You're a Pretty Lady (with your flat-ironed hair and bell-bottoms)
Reach for Me (I've been sucked through a time vortex and am trapped in the 70's)

More like David WEAKling...HA!

2010-04-06T11:17:00.000-07:00

Performer(s): David Wakeling

Album: You Gotta Start Somewhere

Their description: Adult contemporary rock the way it is meant to be with intelligent lyrics, harmonies and catchy hooks.

My review: I hate to pick on a kid, especially one with such awesome fashion sense, but David, do you really think you have the life experience it takes to produce true adult contemporary rock? Seriously, you can't be more than 10 or 12 years old. I just don't see how we are supposed to take you, your accordion, and your collapsable portable music stand seriously. Try again after puberty, Dave. Thanks but no thanks.

Greatest hits:

Big Man on Campus (does a school with a playground count as a campus, David?)
Daily Cup (of chocolate milk, no doubt)
Stand Up (any fool knows that is the only way to truly play the accordion.)

Not a very well-kept secret...

2010-03-29T10:29:00.000-07:00

Performer(s): Eastgate Eric Turner

Album: The Secret Place of THUNDER (emphasis his)

Their description: Long time group member of The Tropics and Bacchus releases his third CD.

My review: Obviously this guy's little brother, Eastgate Eric Turner has awesome wrapped around his little FINGER. You can't see from the photo, but Eric also has a white tiger and a snow owl hiding somewhere in the background. Just to complete his winter LOOK of AWESOME!

Also from Eric's page:

Genre: Rock: 80's Rock

Release Date: 2003

Love it.

Greatest hits:

Kingdom of the Sun
Hold Back the Fire
Livin' in the City (none of these songs are really represented by the cover, are they?)

She's Got the Whole World in Her Hand (ska remix)

2010-03-24T15:06:00.000-07:00

Performer(s): Annor Doeman

Album: Operation Self-Love Complete!

Their description: This album has: Jazz, Blues, Pop, R&B, Rap, Country, Rock, Latin, Club/Techno, A cappella and Spiritual. All by the same artist. Annor Doeman I've always wanted to be able to play all genres of music.

My review: Holy crap, does this gal have it all or what? I think the only musical genres she's missing are Broadway Classics and Death Metal (no doubt showcased on her follow-up album, "I [heart] Pleasuring Myself!")

I mean it. Sunflowers, rainbows, diamonds, a fish that craps out love, masturbation, a tambourine: Annor Doeman is the happiest person on the planet. Keep on truckin', sister! Truckin' and masturbatin'!

Greatest hits:

Take It Off (Put It On) (either way, the self-love will be complete.)
Share It With You (If I Could) (but I prefer to take care of myself. Nothing personal.)
I Don't Wanna Lose You (but honestly, I'll still be satisfied if I do. Nothing personal.)

Bonus Track(s):

The National Anthem
The Lord Is My Shepherd
The Michael Landon Song (???) (Screw it. I am buying this album.)

I just have no idea...

2010-03-22T16:07:00.000-07:00

Performer(s): Chris Calhoon

Album: Dumbification

Their description: 16 Instrumental Groove Rockin Blues on a funky tip featuring the guitar playing of CC KnuckleBall.

My review: Okay, I admit it, I'm confused. Does that description make any sense in English? Is this a pro-God, pro-America CD, or is it being ironic and calling religion and America stupid? Are we supposed to worship Chris Calhoon or the U.S. or both, or neither?

I feel the 'dumbification' happening every time I look at this cover. I can't imagine what listening to the songs would do. Brain hurt now. Me stop typing.

Greatest hits:

CC Funkenstein (is that a person? an instrument? musical style?)
Dropkick Jesus Freaks (what? why? what?)
Restrictive Straitjacket (sign me up for one of those. I'm out!)

TerR.I.B.le

2010-03-19T14:20:00.000-07:00

Performer(s): Cornerstone Jones

Album: TheR.I.P.y.

Their description: Hip-Hop isn't dead, it moved to Southwest GA!

My review: I'm a Yankee (and an American) so please forgive my ignorance if this next comment is geographically incorrect: hasn't the entire Gulf Coast region faced enough these past few years? Do they really deserve these two?

Again, never been there, but it seems to me that when people in SW Georgia are saying "There goes the neighborhood!" you know something is very, very wrong.

Greatest hits:

Sounds Like Murda (okay, I'm listening)
Manslaughter (fine, I'll settle for that)
I Wanna Lie (I don't. You are terrible.)

Unholy Night, the Scars are Brightly Throbbing...

2010-03-16T13:46:00.000-07:00

Performer(s): Bert Sperling & Ezra Meredith

Album: The Deer Lodge

Their description: Southeast Portland Oregon locals rock an album recorded watching Monday Night Football and grilling buffalo legs. You like the Dandy Warhols and the whole Portland rock scene? These guys grew up watching it and playing it.

My review: In an unprecedented follow-up to the last post, HOLY SHIT!!!! That is the most terrifying thing I hope to never see in real life. Imagine waking up, or turning a corner, or huffing paint until you pass out, and these two glowing faces are the first things you see. In the last post, I thought Bert was a bit weird and a little scary, but I hadn't met Ezra yet. Good Lord. It looks like a VFW Hall in Hell (not that any veterans end up in Hell; GDBaby supports the troops and wishes them home soon and safely).

And, the best/worst part is: it's a Christmas album. Guhhhhhhh...

Greatest hits:

Home for the Holidays (if home is a garage with dirty sheets covering the windows so no one can see in...or out...!)
Iraqi X-MAS (do not listen to the lyrics to this song)
(and everyone's favorite holiday classic) Revolution Now My Friends

Bert Sperling Bert Sperling Bert Sperling Spert Berling

2010-03-09T15:31:00.000-08:00

Performer(s): Bert Sperling

Album: Bert Sperling

Their description: Catchy indie roots-rock featuring a voice that drips with honey-sweet realness.

My review: Bert Sperling's got your honey-sweet realness right here, now with Gothic Font previously only available on car windshields of 2 Fast 2 Furious fans!

If you have always wondered what the love child of Conan O'Brien and Jon Voight would look and sound like, then Bert Sperling's your man. With the fashion sense of Mr. T, and the lack of self-awareness of everyone who has ever been on The Bachelor, Bert Sperling's sweet, sweet (honey-sweet, even) sound will have you begging for more.

Luckily, this CD has 22 fricking songs to choose from. Bert Sperling ain't no pansy-ass 10-track CD-makin' kind of man.

Greatest hits:

Love Don't Live on Love Alone (it needs pompadours and chains too)
503 Kroozin' (local shout-out! Holla!)
Beverly Hills Bert (Sperling. Bert Sperling, he of the honey-sweet tones)

Recommended if you like Frank Sinatra, Louis Armstrong, and anal intercourse.

2010-03-01T09:45:00.000-08:00

Performer(s): Dr. Butt

Album: (what else?) The Wonderful World of Dr. Butt

Their description: Big Band (really, Doctor? That's all you have to say about yourself?)

My review: Sometimes I feel like maintaining this blog is a chore (see the past week with no updates--sorry, Gentle Reader), and other times I get a gift from heaven, this time in the form of Dr. Butt. And his backup dancers. HA! "Back"up dancers! "Let's hope the doctor is OUT!" I could go on for days.

But instead, I will offer up a challenge. The first person to attend a Dr. Butt concert/performance, and in a loud and clear voice that can be heard by God and everybody, request the Irving Berlin classic "Dancing Cheek to Cheek" wins one (1) American dollar and my undying respect.

Jesus. This might have to be a two-parter. I can't even fathom the greatness.

Greatest hits:

Sun in the Morning (and, one can only assume, a moon at night)
Don't Get Around (to your vagina) Much Anymore
You Made Me Love You (in the butt) (sorry, I told you I couldn't resist)

Influencees:

These Guys
This Guy

Isn't "Legendary Canadian" an oxymoron?

2010-02-19T11:58:00.000-08:00

Performer(s): Martha and the Muffins

Album: Delicate

Their description: Legendary Canadian alternative pioneers return with a highly textured set-piece of twelve new songs that range from gorgeously evocative to near chaos. Fans and newcomers alike will not be disappointed.

My review: Martha's less attractive best friend from high school is a self-described photographer who thought it would be deep and interesting to take a picture of someone taking a picture. How meta. Throw in a darkened basement and a too-skinny dirty-looking white girl, you've got less "gorgeously evocative" and more "Vice Magazine's Don't section."

Greatest hits: (too true edition)

Mess
All I Know
Don't Say Anything

Death, Thy Name is...What, Exactly?

2010-02-16T10:41:00.000-08:00

Performer(s): Gurf Morlix (is this an anagram of something? "Mix our flurg"?)

Album: Cut 'n' Shoot ('n' Put the Lotion in the Basket 'n' Stitch Pieces of Skin Together 'n' Wear as a Suit)

Their description: Noted Americana producer tackles classic country styles on his third solo release. Reminiscent of artists like Lucinda Williams, Robert Earl Keen and Slaid Cleaves, Morlix pulls through with an ease and comfort that gives these songs character.

My review: Third solo release? Really? Can't find anyone to collaborate with? I'm shocked. No one wants a tractor ride across the River Styx with something called Gurf Morlix? I am glad his hat is shading his face, because I feel if you look the Morlix directly in the eyes, a piece of your soul vanishes. Same thing if you listen to one of its songs. Don't do it. Trust me.

Greatest hits:

Yesterday She Didn't (please do not finish that sentence.)
Were You Lyin' Down? (that's a question for the CSIs to answer, don't you think?)
They're Hangin' Me Tonight (but hanging won't kill a Morlix. Nothing kills a Morlix.)

Bonus Track:

Your Sister (ugggggggghhhhhh...)

E.A.S.E. O.N. D.O.W.N.

2010-02-12T11:14:00.000-08:00

Performer(s): D.A.D.

Album: C.R.I.T.T.E.R.S.

Their description: A blend of neo- soul, hip hop, jazz, and rap. All original material.

My review: W.H.A.T. A. T.E.R.R.I.B.L.E. C.D. A. B.L.U.R.R.Y. P.H.O.T.O. O.F. Y.O.U.R.S.E.L.F. O.N. T.H.E. S.E.T. O.F. T.H.E. W.I.Z. I.S. N.O.T. A.N. A.L.B.U.M. C.O.V.E.R.

Greatest hits:

Chicken Head (Instrumental)
Mo Flo
Skunk Funk In Tha Trunk

Penis.

2010-02-09T15:13:00.000-08:00

Performer(s): Steve Lee

Album: I Like Guns (not penises. Guns. Only guns. Not penises.)

Their description: Steve likes guns. So he decided to make an album all about his love for them. Twelve heartfelt love songs about a man and his one true love - his guns.

My review: Steve likes penises. So he decided to make an album all about his love for them. Twelve heartfelt love songs about a man and his one true love - penises.

Greatest hits:

Time to Get A Penis
Penis in My Hand
She Don't Like Penises

"I almost dropped both of these pitchers..."

2010-02-03T11:32:00.000-08:00

Performer(s): Disposable Thumbs

Album: False Friends

Their description: Fuzzed-out guitars, drum machines, snappy synths, and homemade oscillators. A pop-infused fury of whirs, clicks and choice guitar licks!

My review: Okay, the cover is nothing to write home about, but the name? The band name? Genius! I can see these guys sitting on torn-up vinyl booths around a dirty, carved-up table in some terrible/wonderful dive bar, drinking and drinking and trying to come up with the name of their band, until the drummer stumbled back from the bar with 2 more pitchers of PBR and slurred out that he could only carry the pitchers thanks to his disposable thumbs and the rest is joyous drunken guy history. This is my new favorite band.

Greatest hits:

The Jamaica Plain Homeowners Association (what?)
Bloody Murder
Manatee Season (great!)

Yes, you have seen my face on a poster at a convenience store...

2010-02-01T12:26:00.000-08:00

Performer(s): Town

Album: Gettin' On

Their description: Eclectic electric and acoustic rock. Earthy, pithy, funny, and sensual.

My review: Question 1: Please choose the answer that doesn't belong.

Gettin' On...

A) To Catch A Predator
B) a county sex-offender list
C) Cops
D) Billboard's Top 100

Question 2: Why? Just why?

Greatest hits:

Blowin' Kisses (as I watch you through the window from your shrubs)
It Takes a Little Rain (to make my footprints disappear from your front lawn)
Changes (your locks. Seriously. Do it.)

I Can't Believe I'll Be Dead in 7 Days...

2010-01-28T15:56:00.000-08:00

Performer(s): Jordan Rudess

Album: Listen (no)

Their description: Prog Rock at its Best

My review: ...is aural torture at its worst. Michael Bolton's hairdo + M.C. Escher's keyboard + that picture of the old lady from "The Ring" videotape = me thinking that 7 days is way too long to wait. Take me now, Little Girl Who Comes Out of the Television!

If this album cover has anything going for it, is the fact that it can predict the future. No, seriously. Take a closer look. All the clues are there. Wanna-be long-haired himbo. A cascading, swooping track. A bird mid-flight.

Behold.

I mean, it's not the DaVinci Code or anything, but come ON! Kinda eerie, don't you think? More below:

Greatest hits: (Dan Brown edition)

It's a Mystery (how that goose came flying)
Across the Sky (and hit Fabio in the face, inspiring America to)
Take Time (to wonder why Fabio is famous in the first place)

Definitely not "Conjunction Rose" or "Punctuation Rose"

2010-01-27T11:28:00.000-08:00

Performer(s): Prohibition Rose

Album: ...to the Wolves (not to be confused with their previous work "Release the Hounds")

Their description: Debut EP produced by Matt Sorum from Guns N' Roses of sultry female fronted LA based rock band that channels undeniable grunge melodies and epic classic rock bombast!

My review: What? Read that again. "Debut EP." Got it. That means first record. After that? What? I feel that there's an article or verb missing, or they should have ended with a preposition or something. A comma? What's missing? A hyphen? GAWD!

Regardless, I kind of understand what "epic classic rock bombast" could be, but I may need some example of what an "undeniable" grunge melody is. Is flannel a musical element? Ennui? I can certainly think of some deniable grunge melodies:

"I'm walkin' on sunshine."
"Don't worry, be happy."
"It's raining men. Hallelujah. It's raining men."

We may never unlock the mysteries of Prohibition Rose. Her red cloak reveals nothing.

Greatest hits:

Bag Full of Sparrows (gross! and loud! and thrashy!)
Stocking Stuffer (hey look! Santa left me a bloody sparrow!)
Slippery Slope (isn't it though?)

Blond Highlights, Trophy Wife, Sports Car

2010-01-25T13:03:00.000-08:00

Performer(s): Mike Osborn

Album: Fire & Fury (and every other awesome thing ever)

Their description: If you like Stevie Ray Vaughan, Gary Moore, Buddy Guy or the Rolling Stones or any other great blues-rock guitarist/singer, you won't be let down with this CD. A unique blend of rock, blues, R&B and prog. country is a common thread throughout the CD.

My review: Good LORD is there a lot of awesome on that cover! It is like a Highlights Magazine of mid-life crisis signifiers. How many of these can you find?

lightning
sunset
motorcycle
bandanna
sunglasses
electric guitar
desert
mountains
clouds
fedora
beard
black jeans
any trace of self-awareness

Greatest hits: (too easy edition)

Take It Back
Too Little Too Late
Why?

Bonus Track:

Time (Slipping Away) (indeed it is, Mike. Go home. See your kids.)

Is the role of 'assailant' still available?

2010-01-21T12:29:00.000-08:00

Performer(s): Minus My Thoughts

Album: Starring in the Role of Victim

Their description: Rock with a twist of emo, hardcore, and punk.

My review: SO many red flags here. A white rose clutched in a be-evening-glove-ed hand. Makeup by Walk of Shame. The fact that it says "Recommended if you like My Chemical Romance." A bodice? Even back in Aught Five, I'm pretty sure bodices were OUT.

And, I hate to go there because it's probably not what it looks like. I mean, I'm pretty sure they wouldn't let the world's biggest cold sore make it onto the cover of their first CD, right? There is a photo version of a proofreader, isn't there? That's a thing, isn't it? It has to be. Anyway, I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt and go with "ill-advised lip piercing" and not "monthly outbreak."

I feel bad ripping on my Big Sky Countrymen, because it's gotta be hard to be "rock with a twist of emo, hardcore, and punk" in the middle of Montana, but I'm afraid the biggest no-no comes from the music itself.

Judging by the track list (see below), this is a concept album. A debut concept album. Who does that? Wait, let me correct myself. The Who did not do that. They released some normal albums, then came out with the Ann-Margaret-rolling-around-in-baked-beans weird stuff. I think you got it backward, MMT.

Greatest hits:

Act II (Wearing All Your Sadness as a Fashion) (I suppose that explains the gloves and bodice)
Act II, Scene II (You're the One Making All the Cuts) (not enough of them, Little Miss 16 Tracks)
Act III, Scene IV (She Runs Like Her Makeup) (nothing says emo like similes. A simile is like a smile, with an "i"! :)

Please, call me Tone. Mr. Loc is my father...

2010-01-20T14:35:00.000-08:00

Performer(s): Mr. Loc

Album: Self titled? AKA Grownfolks? Vol. 1? All of the above?

Their description: THIS ALBUM IS THE SHIT IF YOU DONT GOT IT YOU LAME.....PERIOD.......

My review: Parental Advisory indeed! If I were Mr. Loc Sr., I would advise my son against white pants, for starters. I would also advise against ripping off several famous rappers/hip-hoppers on "Volume 1" of what is sure to be your magnum opus.

I mean, check out the feat. artists on this album: Mayne (upside-down Lil Wayne). Perry T (Ice's white cousin (by marriage)). Q-Tin (store-brand Q-Tip). B-Cliff (for when Wyclef is busy).

It's not until Track 12 "feat. Mr. Fusion & Lil Santez" that Mr. Loc shows any originality. I don't know if Messrs. Fusion & Santez have their own CDs, or if they are strictly feat. artists, but I sincerely hope that they are feat. heavily on Mr. Loc Volume 2: AKA Seenyour Cityzens.

Greatest hits:

Acttin Like A B***H (by starring my swears)
My Sh*t feat. Q-Tin (See? M****rf*****g stars!)
Y U Talkin Dat? (he's even ripping off Prince!)

Step Up 2 the Piano Rock

2010-01-19T13:16:00.000-08:00

Performer(s): Scott Fisher & 1 a.m. approach

Album: Step into the Future (and see Josh Groban staring back at you)

Their description: Backbeat Groove oriented piano Rock

My review: Scott Fisher, step into the past and tell your mother not to choose that ugly red wallpaper. Scott Fisher, step into the light, we are picking up some major shadow. Scott Fisher, step onto the big red X painted on the ground directly below that dangling anvil. That's right, Scott, just a few steps further...

That being said, if Scott Fisher tried a 1 a.m. approach with me, it would probably work. The candelabra lighting in his mother's parlor is rather seductive...

Greatest hits:

Step into the Future (as a Starbucks assistant manager)
Forgot About the Stars (and they you, Scott)
Android Love (is this the 1 a.m. approach I've been hearing so much about?)

Nights in Rock Island

2010-01-18T12:20:00.000-08:00

Performer(s): Chief Big

Album: Town Business (as in, "Hey Chief, what brings you to town?" "Business. Town business.")

Their description: Hot Midwest Shit

My review: I can verify one of those words is inaccurate and one is correct. Whether or not they are in the Midwest is up for debate. From the album cover, I can surmise that the last surviving Fat Boy hopped a boxcar headed nowhere, ran into some blobos (black hobos) and started a band. Jump back on the Rock Island Express, fellas. No stops. And by that I mean "No" and "Stop."

Greatest hits:

Bitch I'm Feelin Good
Trap Shit
Gucci This Gucci That